Remmy Higgins, art school dropout extraordinaire, is suddenly glitched away to an eerie and endless expanse of empty offices.
Sometime, somehow, in a place that defies the word ‘somewhere…’ Remmy Higgins—that woe-be-gone art-school-dropout—got himself lost. Hunted by apparitions of his troubled past and the insect god who feeds on them, Remmy just wants to make it through this liminal hell. But how do you go forward in this place where stopped clocks are always right? Remmy must either find an answer to this question…or spend an eternity, lost and wandering through “the Backrooms.”
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TRANSCRIPTS & CONTENT WARNINGS:
Full transcripts are connected to each episode via Simplecast. You can find them under their corresponding episode page, here.
CW: Alcoholism, grief, depression, extreme supernatural fear & distress.
FOLLOW US:
CAST:
Kevin Cooley as REMMY HIGGINS.
Neil Behlmaier as KNOCKOFF.
Steven Kuzara as DEREK THE UBER DRIVER.
Ray Thompson as SLOSH.
Skylar Smith as NURSE DEBBIE.
Hector Sotomayor as DIEGO.
Featuring Allyson Blinkhorn as THE NARRATOR.
ARTISTS & CONTRIBUTORS:
Show artwork created by Heather Vaughn.
Vocals for “Dataloss,” the outro music for The Backrooms: Silverfish, were performed by Maddie Sue.
EPISODE 1: Handheld
Preface
A VOICE:
Sometime, somehow, in a place that defies the word “somewhere…” there is a network of rooms…some say you could pick every blade of grass every human has ever walked on in the time it would take to walk across a single pixel on a map of these rooms.
Half-remembered. Half-imagined. You won’t understand what you’re doing there…
Like a silverfish…scuttling out from the dusty pages of an old diary…seeking shelter from a weathered trunk or a cluttered shelf.
You won’t know where you’re going. But you’ll always need to keep moving…and sometimes…you’ll need to run.
When you’re in there…You can’t go back. You can’t travel through time. Time travels over you. When you’re in…
Scene 1: Remmy at Work
[We hear a humming-fuzzy sound. Like a buzzing light. Shuffling. Then, footsteps.]
[The footsteps walk through a hallway. Then, push through double doors. A hum of distant conversation, clanging pots and pans, and fryers boiling.]
REMMY:
…I was in the back. Don’t give me that look.
BOSS DIEGO:
You get them banana peppers, Remmy, or what?
REMMY:
Yeah…hey, uh, Diego we gotta find a better way to organize back there…there’s…a lot of clutter.
BETSY [Shouting from the front]:
Hey, Diego! Just have Remmy and Slosh do it when they close tonight!
BOSS DIEGO:
Alright.
[Potential cut: DIEGO: Slosh, Remmy: you two can take care of that when you close tonight.]
SLOSH:
Shit…
REMMY [irritated]:
I, wh–…okay.
BOSS DIEGO:
Alright, alright–she wants this ready at 6:30, okay? Pickup, Large Cheese Pepperoni and Banana Peppers, 2 orders of mozzarella sticks, and a 2L Cherry Pepsi.
REMMY:
Okay, okay…
BOSS DIEGO:
Hey hey woah–come on, Mr. Art School! You gotta sprinkle that cheese delicately, eh?!
REMMY:
I was gonna be a 3D Modeler…we do loud and exaggerated, not “delicate.”
BOSS DIEGO:
Hey! A pizza is a beautiful thing! There’s anart to it, ya know?
REMMY:
…Is there?
BOSS DIEGO:
Nah, not really man!
SLOSH:
Remmy’s built like Godzilla, Dee! He’s got them “Caveman Fingers.” He doesn’t have that finesse, ya know? We gotta put him on the deep fryer instead of pizzas.
REMMY:
Yeah, I’ve heard it before: this is the part where Diego goes “Nah, you put a space cadet like this guy on the deep fryer–”
BOSS DIEGO:
“The place’ll be burnt down by tomorrow.”
REMMY (quietly):
Yup…that.
SLOSH:
Hey, lighten up man, we’re just busting your balls–
REMMY:
How about you just back off and let me make this damn pizza?
BOSS DIEGO:
Woah! No appreciation for the art of ball-busting.
REMMY:
Yeah, I wouldn’t call anything you do art…
SLOSH:
Speaking of being shitty at art, oooph, your pepperoni spread’s all the over the place, big guy. Here, lemme show you how a pro does it–
REMMY:
I don’t need anyone holding my hand! …I’ve been here, like, a year longer than you…
BETSY [Still up front]:
Hey! There’s that lack of finesse again!
REMMY:
Thanks Betsy! You’re always so supportive! [Slight chuckle].
BOSS DIEGO:
…maybe that’s why they kicked him out of his fancy art school..
REMMY:
What did you just…
DIEGO:
Woah. Hey!
[Silence.]
Diego…did you approve my request for time off tomorrow morning, or what? I have a dentist appointment…
BOSS DIEGO:
Uh…what? Why you bringing that up now?
REMMY:
Because I need to know…and I wanna spend the rest of this shift making pizza…and not talking to you.
BOSS DIEGO:
Yeah man, chill…it’s all set. Ay, you’re still good for later though, right Art School?
REMMY: [a bit terse]
Yes.
BOSS DIEGO:
Ooookay…well, this was fun…
[BOSS DIEGO walks away.]
SLOSH:
Yoo…why’d you have to go and tell him it was cluttered in the back?
REMMY:
Because it is cluttered in the back…we had like one thing of banana peppers hidden behind 20 tubs of black olives and a dough mixer that doesn’t even turn on.
SLOSH:
Yeah, but…now we have to do something about it.
REMMY:
I mean…yeah, but…shouldn’t we?
SLOSH:
Nah man…but now we have to do something about it…and we are gonna have to stay later to close…
REMMY:
…What do you have to do at home that’s so urgent you have to get back to?
SLOSH:
Leftover pierogies and Rush Hour 2.
REMMY:
Uhh….okay…nice…I guess.
SLOSH:
Hey, they made movies better back in the day!
REMMY:
Sure.
SLOSH:
And me and my girl just finished that, uh…what’s it called, that show on the, uh–the streaming that’s like the Goonies except with the little bald girl who’s like…an Alakzam or whatever.
REMMY:
…Astonishingly…I actually know what show you’re talking about.
SLOSH:
Oooh yeah that was good; that was real good man!
REMMY:
It was…okay.
SLOSH:
Oh what–you didn’t like it?
REMMY:
I don’t know, I mean…it was fine, outside the nostalgia bait I guess, but…
…Ehh, don’t listen to me, I’m just…being “Mr. Art School” again…haha…
SLOSH:
No no, go for it—what didn’t ya like about it?
REMMY:
I mean, I just…that kind of creature design is just…so over-played, you know? So default—it’s a literal template at this point.
SLOSH:
What, them…uh…them monster dog guys? They too spooky for ya or something? Heh heh heh!
REMMY:
No. I mean, if they scare me, it’s because they’re just…the perfect example of how formulaic horror tropes are in these big streaming-age, Hollywood-sorta releases, you know?
I mean, all of these ‘eldritch horrors’ that are supposed to be, you know…totally unspeakable monsters beyond anyone’s comprehension sure as hell look…really damn similar to one another. They all have that same lamprey-mouth with the teeth on all sides and the “tube face,” but other than that they just look like…a starving brown bear with mange or some shit. I mean, the VFX artists literally work off of the same template programs for making these kinds of monsters, so at the level of the software and the algorithms we use to make them, we’re just…treading water, you know?
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t wanna disrespect the modelers and concept artists and crew that work on these things, because you know, it’s not like they’re being lazy or something. You look back at that second Pirates of the Caribbean movie and wow, like, that thing’s ancient history at this point and it still looks better than what’s coming out today and it has everything to do with deadlines and nothing to do with talent. I know that cuz I’ve seen the work VFX people do to get there…What it really is…is that the people who sign their paychecks don’t wanna take risks on anything that presents even the slightest chance of locking out general audiences—which to them, like, always means some family in Milwaukee that eats at Applebee’s on Fridays and saves up for trips to Disney world every other year!
And for that family, the scariest thing they can imagine is, apparently, a bear with mange and a lamprey mouth because…because it’s easier for the suitcoats who distribute these things to pretend all the people who watch them are some kind of… single person spread out over 7 billion bodies, whose minds are all tapped into some bogus “universal code” that executives think makes people’s brains tick…because everybody knows a bear with mange and a lamprey mouth are never going to actually jump you in an alley or something, so it feels safe, while pretending to put you in danger…so our imaginary Applebee’s Family had a fun little thrill before they go back to work the next day and stop thinking about it…it’s just…so much easier to do something like that than it is to…make something that’s legitimately unnerving…something that’s human and sticks with you…in a specific way…not in some…imaginary, fake-universal code for the horrific that’s only universal because media keeps insisting it is to us until the point that it seems to come true! Which I guess shouldn’t surprise anyone knowing how these glorified foremen they call art professors act like there’s only one story worth telling and one kind artist who can tell it, and it’s the one who does whatever the fuck they say! Fuck! Man…
[Timer goes off]
REMMY:
Uh…the large cheese and sausage for Robinson is ready…
SLOSH:
Dude…are you like…angry right now? About something on TV?! [Laughs] That’s so weird bro!
BETSY:
[While passing through, carrying something]:
Ayy, Slosh–what, you never seen Higgins lose his cool about, uh, compound interest or focus groups, or…I don’t know, The Ending of Air Bud? How long you been here, man? S’cuse me, s’cuse me–hot pan, coming through.!
REMMY:
That’s because the ending of Air Bud IS bullshit, what the hell kind of judge would decide a dog custody case between a clown and a kid by going out in front of the courthouse and letting the dog decide, I mean–
Yeah…I, uh…I do that too much…
SLOSH:
Man!…I just thought that show was fun! You think too much Higgins. Gotta lighten up, bud!
REMMY:
Yeah…yeah, I guess you’re uh…clearly right about that…
Sorry…I’m honestly just projecting…just…jealous I couldn’t be that successful…clearly…and trying to rationalize reasons it isn’t fair by making it about…I don’t know, some kind of soap box issue.
SLOSH:
Don’t sweat it man…hey, can you grab those barbecue wings while I grab the pizza?
REMMY:
Uh…just one sec, I have to run…to the bathroom…
SLOSH:
Sure thing…
[Remmy moves slowly at first, then rapidly. We hear something fall.]
SLOSH:
Dude, you dropped your, uh…your…Gameboy Color…thing?
REMMY:
…It’s…uh…a, uh…modded sorta…romhack, um…thanks, Slosh.
[He moves rapidly again. He goes into the bathroom and slams the door behind him.]
REMMY:
[Starts hyperventilating]
Fuck…fuck fuck fuck…
[We hear the sound of a GameBoy-like device turning on. Play that sounds very reminiscent of a fantasy adventure game comes up.]
REMMY:
Okay… [calmer] okayyyy…Gotta find Crazy Tracy’s house and…and get her magic before the next dungeon…just real quick…
It’s all…just…a dream in a “Windfish’s Egg.”
Scene 2: Nighttime at Remmy’s Mom’s Place
[We hear a door open. Remmy enters, stepping on a wooden floorboard.]
REMMY:
Hey…sorry I’m later than I said…I had to stop at my place first to shower…Boss Diego made us clean out the back before we closed and I ended up spilling a bunch of spoiled marinara on myself on the way out to the dumpster…[quieter] And I get to go to the goddamn dentist in the morning…yay…
[He puts some things down on the table.]
I brought Olive Garden…it’s…uh, you know, it’s…it’s just Olive Garden, but…it’s fast, and…it’s not from my work...
Mom? Moooom? Hey!
[Walks around.]
Aw goddamnit…Hey, Aunt Eleanor left one of her stupid little kewpie shirts here again!… [quieter]...probably just looking for another excuse to pop in on her dear little sister…
[Remmy walks around. He doesn’t find her.]
Hey! Genevieve Maryanne Higgins! Where are you? Your only son is here with mediocre Italian food to share at, like, 10:22 pm! It’s a big occasion! Where did you–
[Remmy walks into her office. We hear Genevieve breathing deeply.]
REMMY:
Mom! [he whispers] I…oh…
You….really gotta get the hell out of your office chair next time you take a nap….you’re gonna get a crick in your neck…
[Remmy goes and fetches a blanket.]
There…well…at least you won’t be cold, now…even though your chicken parmesan probably will be…
[Silence for a minute. Remmy snaps his fingers.]
REMMY:
Hey….heyyy….you really still asleep? What, did you fall asleep drawing, or–
[Remmy pauses. He finds an empty bottle. He picks it up, with a clink.]
Oh…oh, okay…didn’t even use a glass this time, huh?
Alright…well…I’ll…take this to recycling for you on the way out.
Goodnight, Mom…
[Remmy takes steps out of her office.]
REMMY:
It’ll be…what…8 years next week? Right?
Hang in there, Ma…
Scene 3: Remmy Ubers to the Dentist
[A car pulls up. We hear the window roll down.]
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
You, uh…Remmy Higgins?
REMMY:
Yeah…
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
Isn’t that, uh…isn’t that your car you just popped out of? Whadya need an uber for?
REMMY:
Oh…just having some car troubles.
I was just grabbing my, uh…my emulator…I, uh…had a long day yesterday, and I left it in my car…
DEREK (Somewhat dismissively):
Bro, what the hell is an “emulator?”
REMMY:
It’s…uh…well, take a look? It…it looks like a game boy…but…you pop an SD card on it, and…just like that, you can, uh…play every handheld game that came out for every system up to, like…the DS…
[Silence.]
It’s okay, nobody ever knows what I’m talking about with it…haha.
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
Okay…
Well…shotgun’s all yours, don’t be shy.
[Gets in]
REMMY:
Thanks…
DEREK:
…What kinda car troubles you having?
[The uber driver pulls off. Ambience of the road.]
REMMY:
Well it took three or four tries to start, but that’s just the usual, haha…
But yeah today— I don’t know, my tire is, like…punctured or something? I might have hit a piece of glass the wrong way? Or I don’t know…it’s a pretty clean cut, so…somebody could’ve slashed it?
DEREK:
Damn…that shit sucks, man.
REMMY:
Yeah…it, uh…it sure isn’t great.
DEREK:
Wouldn’t be surprised if somebody did slash it, man…This is kind of a sketchy area—to be honest with you. I just picked up some sicko here the other day who was, like…trying to give me money to do weird shit, you know?
REMMY:
…Ugh. Gross.
DEREK:
Yeah…there are a lot of sick people in streets like these…It’s the kinda place where you gotta be on your guard, you know?
REMMY:
Uh…yeah I..I guess so…haha.
So…this…a, uh… busy time of year for you?
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
Oh yeah…it’s always busy when it’s nice out…someone has to cart the drunks downtown…make sure they get all their mixed drinks and carbs…
REMMY:
Haha…yeah…
…I like these figures on your dash, man. Machamp and Snorlax: classics.
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER [a little disinterested]:
Thanks.
REMMY:
I’m guessing we’re probably around the same age? Those were, uh… part of your OG team, I bet?
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER [with a very slight darkness to his tone]:
…You could say that.
REMMY:
Hell yeah, nice.
Me and some of my buds at, uh, college used to play Pokemon Go, even after it kinda peaked…oh man, do I miss those days. Cops almost arrested us one night for the, uh, severe crime of ganging up on a Dragonite outside a Burger King at 1 in the morning, haha….
We’d always…get those little chocolate pies they have after we’d take the gym…they tasted pretty mediocre, but…one of my buddies always mashed one up and mixed it into a plain vanilla soft serve, haha…that was the best, man, I’d kill for one right now…
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER [slightly judgementally]:
Yeah. Other people can hold you back, that’s for sure…
REMMY:
[Too interested in figures to notice what a bonkers thing to say to a stranger that was…]
Oh haha—I like the way you have them set up. It looks like Machamp is about to deck Snorlax with a haymaker, haha.
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
Yup. Did that on purpose.
REMMY:
[Laughs.] Yeah? Why’s that?
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
[Slightly more venomous than needed] Snorlax is weak.
REMMY:
Yeah…yeah, fair, uh…I work too much to stay up on competitive Pokemon shit these days, but I’m guessing the meta looks a lot different with so many new gens out…
Hey, I don’t know if you’re, like, based around here but, uh…I’ve been trying to set up a local group or, I don’t know, some kind of PoGo scene or something for ages at this one kava shop…and—
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
Nah, bro. I have to be careful not to let myself back into, you know…that kind of thing.
REMMY:
Oh. Yeahhh. I hear ya man… Wild how people can get competitive about something as fun as Pokemon, but, I don’t know, I’ve seen people fight over Monopoly, so?.. I feel like if you keep it local and chill it’s a lot more—
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER [matter-of-factly]:
Nope...that isn’t it.
REMMY:
Oh, I hear you haha. You got the competitive streak, yeah? Haha. Yeah man no worries I used to—
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
I have a competitive streak now. I am competitive now. I was weak back then, bro. I wasn’t competitive enough.
REMMY: [Confused]
…How do you mean?
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
[Sighs]
Snorlax is a reminder of what I used to be. Weak, round. Small in all the bad ways…but big in all the wrong ways too.
Eating all the time like a fuckin’ fatass…emasculated, man. Like a fat fucking little fat fat kid… you know?
I’ll never forget…when I was just a little kid…eating fucking Teddy Grahams and shit, playing my little Game Boy at my grandma’s house like a bitch…
REMMY [Kind of overwhelmed and lost?]:
…why…why does being in your grandma’s house make you a…bitch?
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER [without an ounce of irony]:
And then…I made it to the Elite 4…
I’m clearing ‘em out, no problems yet…and then the big boss pulls out his big-man, alpha-motherfucker, All-American Machamp.
I think I’m hot shit– “oh, my Snorlax is so tough, doesn’t even matter if Fighting type is super effective against him!” Sure enough…Machamp wipes the floor with my flabby ass. One hit KO. It was a wake up call, man…a super effective one.
I started working out. I started eating right. I changed my name to “Derek.”
REMMY [bewildered]:
You…changed your name to Derek?
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
You see…
Machamp is the man I’ve made myself. Starting small, getting big. Keeping the bulk lean and clean, not sucking down anything I see. Nose to the grindset, eyes on the prize. You have to fight to be a prize fighter.
REMMY:
Uh…
Oh…
So…are you like…actually a boxer, then?
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
Six days a week down at Iron Eagle’s.
REMMY:
Ha…well uh…I respect that, man…wish I had that commitment…to, uh…to…taking action.
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
Mm.
REMMY:
I took some uh…really informal kickboxing lessons from this guy at the gym for a bit in college but…I don’t know, it was hard to keep it up with all my classes and shit…
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
You gotta have that millionaire mentality man, or you’re not gonna get shit done. Ribeye at least once a week. You gotta eat like the rich if you wanna live a rich life, man.
REMMY:
…Sure. Yeah, uh…maybe one day.
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
If the bank account’s the problem, there’s always beef liver. Do you eat beef liver?
REMMY:
Uh…what?
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
It’s the best protein on Planet Earth, man. Feeds your brain right. Keeps you focused, keeps you strong, keeps all them chicken chemicals and shit in check.
REMMY [Starting to REALLY get this guy’s number]:
…Right. Yup, that’s how that works.
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
Hey, you listen to Chad Mahoney at all, bro? He just had a beef liver guru on last week.
Ya know, come to think of it, he had some supplements that can help with drive—man, hold up, I’ll see if I can find the part with the promo code from his episode from last week before I drop you off—
REMMY:
I uh…actually uh…
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
Hey, ya know what? Did you say you had a, uh, bunch of Pokemon guys or something you were getting together?
Hey, where’s that at, man? That would actually be a rock-solid place to move some of my product, come to think of it…and fuck it, maybe I’ll play a couple rounds for old time’s sake.
REMMY:
Uh…sorry man, this…this…this is my dentist’s office. I really should go, I, uh…I was running a little late already…thanks for the ride!
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
Yup. Hey, make sure to leave a five-star review! And if you could mention that I was really knowledgeable about supplements, that would be great! this is just my side gig, ya know, and there’s a lot of cross-market potential between a gig like this and moving product!
REMMY:
Sure! Sure thing!
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
Oh, it would be rad if you could mention how clean my car was too!
REMMY:
Sure! Take care!
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
Oh! And, uh…where did you say that Pokemon meetup thing was again?
REMMY [With some sadness]:
I…um…didn’t…it…
It never really got off the ground.
DEREK THE UBER DRIVER:
Right right right–cool, cool, yeah yeah, yeah, uh–see ya around, man!
[The uber driver takes off.]
REMMY:
[Sighs deeply.]
Oh my…Jesus christ…
[Pats his pockets.]
Wait…where’s my…shit…SHIT!
Hey man! HEY! I left my emulator in your front seat! HEY! COME BACK!
SHIT!...Arghhhh, fuck! I don’t have time for this, damnit!
Can’t wait to…call the Uber customer service line to…to get in touch with “Derek” when I get home…
Fuck…
Scene 4: Remmy In the Dentist’s Office Waiting Room
[Ambience of a crowded waiting room]
REMMY:
Ow! Ow—ah! Ah!
NURSE DEBBIE:
And are you Remmy Higgins?
REMMY:
What? Oh, yeah…uh, yeah, that’s me…
NURSE DEBBIE:
You okay there, Remmy?
REMMY:
No, I just…it’s been a weird 24 hours, and uh…something felt really wrong for a second.
NURSE DEBBIE:
And it says here you’ve been experiencing some pain in your upper right incisor?
REMMY:
Yeah…ow, damn…it’s been pretty bad.
NURSE DEBBIE:
Well, that won’t do for a big, tall guy like you, hm? That tooth is going to need steaks and turkey legs to power that body!
REMMY:
Uh…um…yeah, sure…those are…
Those are good…
NURSE DEBBIE:
You’re not nervous, are you?
REMMY:
For…the dental work?
NURSE DEBBIE:
Well, if you are, don’t be! Shouldn’t feel like more than’a pinch to a guy like you… [half to her herself, in a slight singsong, as she jots down a note] Nothing to be scared of for Mr. Higgins…
REMMY:
Yeah….great.
NURSE DEBBIE:
Okay then...well, you’ve signed in at the front desk, right?
REMMY:
Yeah, uh…I think I should be all set, I uh…I told them I’m here and they were expecting me, so, uh…sorry, I, uh, I haven’t had medical work done in a while…
NURSE DEBBIE:
That’s okay…it isn’t always easy.
REMMY:
Yeah, I, uh..turn 26 soon and I’m getting the boot off my Mom’s dental plan, so…figured I should take care of this stuff while I still can…
NURSE DEBBIE [a bit rehearsed-sounding]:
Oh, that’s okay, Mr. Higgins…I’m glad you made it out here with us today.
REMMY:
Yeah, I got a buddy who–
NURSE DEBBIE:
Okay, well, Dr. Patel is just about ready to see you, so if you could follow me this way, and we’ll get you all set for some X-Rays and see if he can’t do anything for that pain of yours, okay?
REMMY:
Oh yeah, uh huh…Sounds good.
NURSE DEBBIE:
Right around right the corner, and—
[There’s a quick, but distinct, shift in sound: It has happened. Remmy is no longer in the dentist’s office.]
REMMY:
Oh, sorry…wait, uh, which way was it?…Hello…hello?
[Silence]
REMMY:
I’m sorry, uh…nurse? Nurse? Did you, uh…am I going the right way? You, uh…down here??
I swear I coulda sworn I saw you hang a right, but…uh…I don’t see you…
Jesus…I don’t think they’ve updated this carpet since the 70s, or something. Smells like gym socks in here.
Do you, uh…you guys know this probably isn’t ideal for people with allergies, right? I mean, I don’t know, what do I know about running a dentist’s office, but uh…ears, nose, throat it’s, uh…it’s all connected, right?
What the…hell…
Jesus…
[Footsteps increasing in speed]
Nurse Debbie?!
[More]
Jesus…the, uh, waiting room sure was a hell of a lot nicer than…whatever this is…
[More]
Are you guys remodeling in here or something?
What the hell…
Hey is….is anybody there…
[Running more frantically]
Nurse?!
[Silence]
Okay uh…I don’t know where you all went so, uh…I’m gonna…gonna head back to the lobby or whatever…
Last chance?…
Okay….
[Walks back]
[Opens door]
What…what the hell?!
This…this is where the lobby was. This is where it WAS. I know it! I know it!! I JUST CAME FROM OVER HERE! There was that stack of tiles and plaster and that…that little toy thing in the corner—this is where I came in!
NURSE! HEY!
What the hell…what the hell is going on?! Can someone please come out here?? Hey! Come on! I don’t…I don’t…this…this isn’t funny!
Something is wrong! Something’s…something’s really wrong here…
Wait…what the hell is this thing…
[He picks it up]
It’s…on?
[He pokes it]
This looks like…like…like a knockoff of one of those Namco toys you could play, like, 8-bit sports games or something on…
Hi! Can you…can you hear me! This little red light is lit up on here…does that…mean thing this is on?
Are you guys…are you all…monitoring me…with this? That’s…insane, it looks like…like an old-ass piece of junk…but…it was right here for me…
I’m really confused, I…I’m lost, I think I’m…hallucinating? I don’t know if I…I don’t know…did you guys have a laughing gas leak or something? Is there any chemical or uh…gas that can go airborne?
Something is really wrong with me…everything smells…stale, and…and I don’t know where I’m going, I can’t find the waiting room, I just…please, please send someone..
[I don’t know what this thing is…]
[Drops it]
REMMY:
Aw shit…
[Picks up.]
REMMY:
This is just a…some kinda cheap plastic video game multi-cade toy thing…8-Ball, 20 Questions, Solitaire…does this even work?
[Hits buttons]
KNOCKOFF:
SIGNS POINT TO YES.
REMMY:
Well…8 Ball works?
KNOCKOFF:
YES.
REMMY:
Yes…yes what?
KNOCKOFF:
MY REPLY IS NO.
REMMY:
Useless piece of knockoff junk….goddamn it!
[Throws it]
KNOCKOFF:
BETTER NOT TELL YOU NOW.
REMMY:
What…are you listening to me?
KNOCKOFF:
SIGNS POINT TO YES.
REMMY:
I’m not even…I’m not even pressing anything, what the…
[Picks up]
REMMY:
This thing looks like it was made in like…1991 for Toys R Us…
KNOCKOFF:
SIGNS POINT TO YES.
REMMY:
How is it…how are you responding to my voice?
KNOCKOFF:
BETTER NOT TELL YOU NOW.
REMMY:
…Where am I?
KNOCKOFF:
REPLY HAZY, TRY AGAIN.
REMMY:
Okay, where am I?
KNOCKOFF:
REPLY HAZY, TRY AGAIN.
REMMY:
I DID try again.
KNOCKOFF:
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD.
REMMY:
…are you listening to me?
KNOCKOFF:
WITHOUT A DOUBT.
REMMY:
…like, my voice? Even with that cheap plastic…looking like a Bop-It or a handheld Tetris game, for Christ’s sake…you can hear me?
KNOCKOFF:
IT IS DECIDEDLY SO.
REMMY:
…is my name Remmy Higgins?
KNOCKOFF:
YES.
REMMY:
Is the sky blue?
KNOCKOFF:
YES.
REMMY:
Does 2+2 = 4?
KNOCKOFF:
IT IS CERTAIN.
REMMY:
So you…you are telling me the truth when I ask you questions, then?
KNOCKOFF:
SIGNS POINT TO YES.
REMMY.
Tcht….
[Silence]
REMMY:
Is…is Dr. Patel on the other end of this thing?
KNOCKOFF:
VERY DOUBTFUL.
REMMY:
…If…if this is something else…what you’re doing is so…so messed up, man…I came in for my first dentist appointment in years today…I came in to get one damn annoying tooth fixed. I didn’t sign up for whatever the hell this is.
KNOCKOFF:
DON’T COUNT ON IT.
REMMY:
…You think just because I’m some broke piece of shit you can do this to me?
KNOCKOFF:
MY REPLY IS NO.
REMMY:
Yeah, well, I don’t really care what your reply is… I think…I think it’s pretty damn clear that that door led back to a different goddamn room just four or five minutes ago and now it doesn’t, and you all are…either messing with me in some creepy reality show or some twisted-ass focus group bullshit…
KNOCKOFF:
ASK AGAIN LATER.
REMMY:
You think I’m going to put up with this?
KNOCKOFF:
MY SOURCES SAY NO.
REMMY:
….What do you want from me?
KNOCKOFF:
CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.
REMMY:
Mmm…okay…
[Focusing, as if literally concentrating…]
REMMY (in a “concentrating” voice):
What…what do you want from me?
KNOCKOFF:
CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.
REMMY (pissed):
I just did…
KNOCKOFF:
CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.
REMMY:
I just did….I just did, what do you want from me? Where’s the waiting room? It was right there! It had a…a blue carpet with grey splotches, and magazines, and shitty chairs and it was RIGHT HERE! IT WAS RIGHT HERE!
KNOCKOFF:
CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.
REMMY:
I DID! I DID CONCENTRATE AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME ANYTHING! SOMEONE! PLEASE! SOMEONE PLEASE COME HELP ME! PLEASE! THEY’RE…SOMEBODY IS WATCHING ME! SOMEBODY IS TOYING WITH ME, PLEASE!
KNOCKOFF:
CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.
REMMY:
HELP! HELP!!! [Starts running] THERE’S GOT TO BE SOMEONE IN HERE, HELP!
KNOCKOFF:
CONCENTRATE AND—
[*Remmy sobbing, lying on the ground.* Female vocals play over a cacophony of illegible sound.]
VOCALIST:
My thoughts go back to a heavenly dance
A moment of bliss we spent
Our hearts were filled with a song of romance
As into the night we went
And sang to our hearts' content
The song is ended
But the melody lingers on
You and the song are gone
But the melody lingers on
The night was splendid
And the melody seemed to say
"summer will pass away
Take your happiness while you may"
There 'neath the light of the moon
We sang a love song that ended too soon
The moon descended
And I found with the break of dawn
You and the song had gone
But the melody lingers on
[The sound fades. Time seems to have passed.]
REMMY:
….What do you want from me?
KNOCKOFF:
CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.
REMMY:
What….do….you want from me?
KNOCKOFF:
CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.
REMMY:
Is that all you can say?
KNOCKOFF:
MY SOURCES SAY NO.
REMMY:
Hm…well, you’re not broken or stuck on that, I guess….
KNOCKOFF:
VERY DOUBTFUL.
REMMY:
I tried looking up how many things you can say….but I’m not getting data or reception. Probably part of whatever your people are doing to make all this happen.
KNOCKOFF:
REPLY HAZY, TRY AGAIN [simultaneously]
REMMY:
Try again—yeah, I’ve heard it. It says I’ve got four bars, but…nothing…
KNOCKOFF:
DON’T COUNT ON IT.
REMMY:
Tcht…don’t expect me to give up that easy…my data looks fine, but it just keeps trying to refresh endlessly…how are you doing that?
KNOCKOFF:
MY REPLY IS NO.
REMMY:
“Your” reply is no? You could’ve just said “My sources say no” or “Very doubtful.” What do you mean?
KNOCKOFF:
CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.
REMMY:
I hate that one…
KNOCKOFF:
CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.
REMMY:
You mean it?
KNOCKOFF:
AS I SEE IT, YES.
REMMY:
Oh, shit…you’re not just giving me positives and negatives…
You’re really answering me….
KNOCKOFF:
AS I SEE IT, YES.
REMMY:
As “you” see it…you are…you really are.
KNOCKOFF:
CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.
REMMY:
Why won’t you just tell me what that means?! I would do it if I could, but… I obviously can’t?
KNOCKOFF:
OUTLOOK GOOD.
REMMY (with concern and excitement):
…What do you mean? What do you mean, why is it good?
KNOCKOFF:
IT IS DECIDEDLY SO.
REMMY:
Why won’t you just come down here and tell me?…Whoever you are, you’ve gotta be watching me…there’s not even an input microphone on you anywhere, from what I can see.
And I’ve never heard of a cheap handheld electronic coming with anything like that in the 80s or 90s…you’ve gotta be watching me…you’ve got to be capable of communicating with me with more nuance than this…come on…come on, please…
KNOCKOFF:
DON’T COUNT ON IT.
REMMY:
Okay…well, if I…if I assume that you can’t….then….you…well, if this is really all you have, then….you’d be forced to use these dozen or so responses to say what you want….wouldn’t you?
KNOCKOFF:
YES–DEFINITELY.
REMMY:
Okay, okay, I’ll roll with it for a minute… so….so you keep telling me t—
KNOCKOFF:
CONCENTRATE AND TRY AGAIN.
REMMY:
Yeah…yeah…and…and that’s the only command you can say, isn’t it?
KNOCKOFF:
ASK AGAIN LATER.
REMMY:
Actually “Ask again later,” or are you just trying to remind me that’s a second command you can say?
Wait, uh…okay: Are you telling me that’s a second command you have the ability to say when you say “ask again later?”
KNOCKOFF:
YOU MAY RELY ON IT.
REMMY:
YES! Okay, then…when you say “Concentrate and ask again…” you don’t actually want me to keep asking you…you want….
KNOCKOFF:
CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.
REMMY:
Yeah…you want…you want me to concentrate on something….
KNOCKOFF:
YES, DEFINITELY.
REMMY:
…What is this place?
KNOCKOFF:
CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.
REMMY:
It….it just seems like…moldy yellow carpets and shoddy plaster ceilings, everywhere…I don’t know what time it is, but…I feel like it could be 3, maybe 4 hours, and…I just….it’s all carpets…it’s all moldy carpet, and….that horrible musk smell, and….just tables…empty paint cans with generic labels…filing cabinets with nothing in them…This…this isn’t the complex my dentist is in. It’s something else, isn’t it?
KNOCKOFF:
IT IS DECIDEDLY SO.
REMMY:
What is this place?
KNOCKOFF:
ASK AGAIN LATER.
CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.
REMMY:
Okay…um…huh…
…Do you see that?
KNOCKOFF:
AS I SEE IT, YES.
ASK AGAIN LATER.
CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.
REMMY:
No, no, no that’s…that’s…some kinda bug…
KNOCKOFF:
YES.
REMMY:
That’s weird…I haven’t seen so much as a little spider in a corner since I came in here…
KNOCKOFF:
IT IS CERTAIN.
REMMY:
Huh…weird…we don’t really get too many of these guys in Ohio…at least I don’t think…I forget what they’re called…with the, uh…the three little tails…the long antennae…do you know?
KNOCKOFF:
YES.
BETTER NOT TELL YOU NOW.
REMMY:
Yeah…I’m pretty sure they hang out in, like…old books and…cedar chests and stuff…
KNOCKOFF:
YES.
REMMY:
…They’re silverfish, that’s what it was…
KNOCKOFF:
IT IS CERTAIN.
REMMY:
Oh shit…there’s a few of ‘em…they’re all headed the same way…
KNOCKOFF:
YES.
REMMY:
Are they…like…group insects?
KNOCKOFF:
CANNOT PREDICT NOW.
VERY DOUBTFUL.
REMMY:
I…don’t like that.
KNOCKOFF:
YES.
REMMY:
Earlier…you were saying you…think I should explore a bit…yeah?
KNOCKOFF:
MY SOURCES SAY NO.
REMMY:
Well…I guess that’s how I took it, anyways.
KNOCKOFF:
YES.
REMMY:
Do you…think that’s a good idea?
KNOCKOFF:
CANNOT PREDICT NOW.
ASK AGAIN LATER.
REMMY:
I…want to know where I am…what I’m doing here.
KNOCKOFF:
OUTLOOK GOOD.
AS I SEE IT, YES.
REMMY:
…Let’s go. I don’t know what you’re asking me to do, but…I need to see more of this.
KNOCKOFF:
AS I SEE IT, YES.
Scene 5: Remmy Explores the Backrooms
REMMY:
It’s been…it’s been, well, I don’t know long it’s been. Whoever is watching me in here…if this is what you want me to be doing, I don’t know why. The hallway twists and turns, and the overhead lights flicker in different ways, but…they just keep coming.
[“Endless Office” Begins to Play]
I’ve counted three hundred and seventy three doors that lead to rooms with no other exits. They have office chairs…some scattered papers with numbers that don’t really mean anything….a lot of them have building supplies….hammers, nails, hard hats, a, uh…dirty jean jacket with a flashlight in the pocket, like…like someone was either refurbishing or….gutting the place…and then just disappeared.
KNOCKOFF:
DON’T COUNT ON IT.
REMMY:
Aw, shit…that doesn’t sound good.
I’ve, uh….explored some of the rooms, but….I’m more or less sticking to the path I’m on…if I don’t see the exit to any of these rooms, I’m not going into them…I need to be able to find my way back to where I began…where I picked up this little…proto-gameboy toy thing. I don’t know how I crossed that door and wound up…somewhere other than the medical rooms, but…that’s where I came in…and I know that for a fact…
Right now…I could take this same hall back…and I’d make it back there. I know I could do it. That gives me…well, a little bit of comfort…
All right. I’m checking out one more dead end room, and then I’m sticking to the hallway.
KNOCKOFF:
IT IS DECIDEDLY SO.
REMMY:
Ugh…I don’t understand. This paint can…it’s got a label on it. Semi-gloss white paint. Some basic instructions on how to apply it, how long to let it dry, but…it’s just black text on a white background. No bar codes or store tags or anything you’d see on a can of paint somebody actually bought from a store….just….black text and white background. Like somebody printed the label out on thin paper and glued it to the can. That’s so weird…somebody had half a pack of Twinkies just sitting there stale on their desk earlier…why go through the special effort for this? I don’t understand…god…
God…why do so many of the lights flicker like that? I’d flick the switch to mess with them, but…I don’t even see a switch to turn them on or off…
Alright. Not much else in here. I’m heading back to the hallway.
KNOCKOFF:
AS I SEE IT, YES.
[Walking]
REMMY:
As you see it? I mean, I am, but…
KNOCKOFF:
DON’T COUNT ON IT.
REMMY:
Hey…hey, little knockoff guy…
KNOCKOFF:
YES.
REMMY:
There’s a fork….there’s a fork in the hall. So far, this has gone consistently in one direction…there were offshoot rooms, but…this hallway went in one direction…
KNOCKOFF:
REPLY HAZY, TRY AGAIN.
REMMY:
It went in ONE direction…it was not hazy…the hallway went in one direction…right up until I said I was thankful it went in one direction….I said those words to you…and then, and only then, did the hall fork…how did you do that?
KNOCKOFF:
CANNOT PREDICT NOW.
REMMY:
…Who am I talking to?!
KNOCKOFF:
MY REPLY IS NO.
REMMY:
What do you mean, no?! Who am I talking to? Is the person using this device in control of this…this nightmare?! Are you making this happen to me?
KNOCKOFF:
CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.
REMMY:
You don’t want to answer….you don’t want to be responsible for what you’re doing! For what you’re putting me through! You just want me to pick, don’t you? You just want me to keep going! Why are you trying to keep me confused?
KNOCKOFF:
DON’T COUNT ON IT.
REMMY:
I’m not counting on you! That’s what you want, isn’t it? I’m done! I’m not complying! I’m not going to wander into a fucking maze because a glorified soundboard told me to! I’m 100% done.
KNOCKOFF:
MY SOURCES SAY NO.
REMMY:
I don’t care what you say…and I don’t care what your sources say! You’re not going to say anything because I’m taking your goddamn batteries out, and I’m waiting here until whoever is running this crooked-ass, messed up grift comes in here and takes me the hell home!
How do I get these damn things, out, cheap-ass plastic—
[Sound of Knockoff’s battery hatch opening]
Wh…..what….You…there’s nothing…you don’t have any batteries, what the….what the hell?!
KNOCKOFF:
IT IS DECIDEDLY SO.
REMMY:
How…HOW ARE YOU OPERATING?! HOW ARE YOU OPERATING?!
KNOCKOFF:
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD.
REMMY:
HOW ARE YOU EVEN TALKING RIGHT NOW?! HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING?!
KNOCKOFF:
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD
REMMY:
YEAH, NO KIDDING THE OUTLOOK ISN’T GOOD! HOW ABOUT I SMASH YOU UNDER THE GODDAMN PAINT BUCKET TO SHUT YOU UP, SINCE APPARENTLY THERE’S NO WAY TO PULL THE PLUG ON YOU, HUH?
KNOCKOFF:
CANNOT PREDICT NOW
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD
CANNOT PREDICT NOW
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD
CANNOT PREDICT NOW
REMMY:
What...IS THIS A BAD TIME FOR YOU?! IS THIS AN INCONVENIENCE? IS THERE A BETTER TIME FOR ME TO ASK YOU WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!
KNOCKOFF:
YES, DEFINITELY.
REMMY:
…Well, that’s just GREAT, isn’t it! How about I just charge head-long into a maze, then, and give up and get utterly goddamn lost in here?
KNOCKOFF:
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD
REMMY:
What is the matter with you? Why do you keep saying that?
SOMETHING (in the distance):
AIIIIIIRGH—AIRGHHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!!!
REMMY:
…What the hell was that…
KNOCKOFF:
YES.
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD.
[End Credits]
END CREDITS:
The Backrooms: Silverfish. Episode 1: Handheld.
Writing, Sound, Music, and Production by Kevin Cooley. He also played the part of REMMY HIGGINS.
This episode also stars:
Neil Behlmaier as KNOCKOFF,
Steven Kuzara as DEREK THE UBER DRIVER,
Ray Thompson as SLOSH,
Skylar Smith as NURSE DEBBIE, and
Hector Sotomayor as DIEGO.
Featuring Allyson Blinkhorn as THE NARRATOR.
The show artwork was created by Heather Vaughn.
The Backrooms: Silverfish is an independent audio production, made for humans and by humans. Silverfish is free to listen to, but it’s not free to make, and it’s made possible by support from devoted fans like you. You can support independent audio drama by becoming a member of our Patreon today. Members of our Patreon receive perks ranging from ad-free versions of all episodes, to access to Kevin Cooley’s digital course: “How to Write Audio Drama”—and much more. You can find the link to our Patreon in the show notes.
You can also support the show by reviewing us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your podcast platform of choice, which makes Silverfish easier for new listeners to find. Follow us on Instagram at backrooms silverfish, as well as most other places on social media, to stay up to date on all things Silverfish. You can find links to all of our social media accounts in the show notes.
The concept of “the Backrooms” originates from an anonymous 4chan post, and has become a piece of well-known internet folklore. The original characters and concepts in Silverfish are the intellectual property of Kevin Cooley. The original characters and concepts in Silverfish are the intellectual property of Nightwhistle Media, LLC. Silverfish is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real persons, dead or alive, is purely coincidental.
Thank you for listening, and stay safe out there folks. We’ll see you next time: here, where broken clocks are always right.