Personnel insists she can help Remmy find food in a vast and vacant suburb, but Remmy is unsure if he can trust her.
Sometime, somehow, in a place that defies the word ‘somewhere…’ Remmy Higgins—that woe-be-gone art-school-dropout—got himself lost. Hunted by apparitions of his troubled past and the insect god who feeds on them, Remmy just wants to make it through this liminal hell. But how do you go forward in this place where stopped clocks are always right? Remmy must either find an answer to this question…or spend an eternity, lost and wandering through “the Backrooms.”
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TRANSCRIPTS & CONTENT WARNINGS:
Full transcripts are connected to each episode via Simplecast. You can find them under their corresponding episode page, here.
CW: Force-feeding, intense chewing noises, violence.
FOLLOW US:
CAST:
Kevin Cooley as REMMY HIGGINS.
Neil Behlmaier as KNOCKOFF.
Alyssa DeNaro as PERSONNEL.
Featuring Allyson Blinkhorn as THE NARRATOR.
ARTISTS & CONTRIBUTORS:
Show artwork created by Heather Vaughn.
Scene 1: Outside the Mall
[Door Opening. Personnel clacks by.]
REMMY:
Hey…how did you get that door to open? It didn’t have a handle, and when I tried it earlier, it just–hey! Personnel! Are you even listening to me?!
KNOCKOFF:
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD.
PERSONNEL:
Aaaaaaaand, we’ll just take a quick little detour through here, anddd…
[Personnel opens a heavy, metal backdoor, and the sounds of the outdoors begin to creep in.]
REMMY:
Oh…oh my god…am I…is this…are we…outside?
PERSONNEL (not realizing how confusing this is):
Yes, we are out and about outside—inside, in the campus!
REMMY:
Yeah, that’s not helpful.
Woah…
Look, I know… know we’re not outside of…outside of this hell we’re in, but…just tell me because if you don’t say it again, I don’t think I can let myself believe in it…are we outside…like, are we outside in this place?
KNOCKOFF:
SIGNS POINT TO YES.
PERSONNEL:
…Yes. Yes, we definitely are.
REMMY:
…how is that possible?
KNOCKOFF:
ASK AGAIN LATER.
REMMY:
Jesus…this door…looks like it leads back into a…I dunno, a shed or…a little electricity depot or something? But…it opens into…into this..into outside…
KNOCKOFF:
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD.
PERSONNEL:
The community campus’ expanse actually includes—
REMMY:
I know…I know this ‘’outside’’ is…is still inside…but god…it smells big and…big and empty and warm…and I can tell you what the grass feels like just by looking at it…
KNOCKOFF:
ASK AGAIN LATER.
REMMY:
And I’m gonna get food…I will, soon…You were smart to bring me here, we just have to be able to find some in all these houses…
PERSONNEL:
That won’t be necessary, Mr. Remmy. If you’d be kind enough to come with me, I can take you to one of our premium access dining experiences!
REMMY:
In…in a suburban cul de sac? Are you…sure?
PERSONNEL:
Of course, Mr Remmy!
REMMY:
I mean…have you seen this place? I don’t know where all the people are, but with four or five bikes in the driveway it must be pool day at that place on the corner…and look…that house has a sprinkler running on just the driveway, and not the grass. I really don’t think we’re going to find any…you know, restaurants, here.
PERSONNEL:
As a leader in the field, we’re constantly evaluating how we can better meet the needs of our community members! Our research has indicated that food trucks meet increasing consumer demand to have all those things that make going out so much fun–even when they’re coming to you! Not to mention that they’re just so trendy and hip. Heh heh!
REMMY:
You’ve…got a food truck coming here?
PERSONNEL:
You have a food truck coming for you here! Yes!
REMMY:
Um….uh….okay. Yeah, I, uh…I guess I can do that…
[The sound of the ice cream truck pulling up]
REMMY:
God…this place isn’t any neighborhood I ever went to…but I really do feel like I’ve been here before…
PERSONNEL:
I strive to try and create an environment where you can feel at home!
REMMY:
No, no…it’s…it’s not like that at all….
PERSONNEL:
I’m sorry to hear that you aren’t entirely satisfied with your experience so far as a community member—
REMMY:
No, I—
PERSONNEL:
If there is any way you think I can improve the membership experience for you or even if you have feedback on the facilities, I would be happy to–
REMMY:
No, it’s just…look, I mean, first thing’s first, this neighborhood is empty. Right? Like, you do see that, right?
PERSONNEL:
Empty, haha—yes, that is an observation.
REMMY:
Uh…okay…but like…even if you did somehow, I don’t know, find a bunch of, well, flesh robots or customer service bio-drones or uh, whatever the hell it is that you are… and set them all up to act like they all lived in this neighborhood, then…I mean, would that really make me feel at home here?
[Gradually, the sounds of children playing, a distant conversation, begin amping up as Remmy and Personnel walk]
PERSONNEL:
Really and truly, this insight is so helpful–please, feel free to continue, and I will make sure to pass your valued feedback on.
REMMY:
Like, I can hear it. Do you? That sound…it sounds like a get-together in someone’s yard…maybe kids playing in the distance…but I don’t see anyone…
PERSONNEL:
That real human component is so important, mmm, yes…immersion is so important.
REMMY:
No. No, it's creepy…
Because there’s not anyone actually here! It’s unnerving because it sounds like there is but—there’s not! I mean, hell I think I can hear an ice cream truck way out there, but…there’s nothing! You see how weird that is, right?
PERSONNEL: [Thoughtfully and sympathetically–in contrast to her words]
Wow, thank you for sharing. I completely see your point, and fundamentally disagree with it. What’s strange about an ice cream truck in a suburban neighborhood?
REMMY:
The fact that…it’s not actually here!
PERSONNEL:
What makes you say that?
REMMY:
Uhh…it not being here and all!
PERSONNEL:
Are you sure?
[The Ice Cream truck pulls up]
REMMY:
What in the…
[It brakes.]
PERSONNEL:
Welcome to one of our primary dining venues! Bon apetit, Mr. Remmy!
REMMY:
…I’m supposed to eat…ice cream…ice cream…for my first meal in days…
PERSONNEL:
Don’t worry! [Playfully] If you already had your cheat day this week, my lips are sealed!
REMMY:
Well...I’ll give you this: I guess it always was technically a food truck…
KNOCKOFF:
YES, DEFINITELY.
PERSONNEL:
I’m proud of how ahead of the curve we’ve always been in meeting the needs of the folks that matter most to us!
[Remmy approaches the food truck. The music grows louder.]
REMMY:
There’s…there’s nobody driving it. How is there nobody driving it?
PERSONNEL:
Any time we can make a personnel choice that allows us to allocate funds toward fun over frills, we do it! What kind of ice cream do you think you’re going to get, Mr. Remmy?!
REMMY:
Heh…well…probably not any of the character ones…if SpongeBob looks any better than two soulless black beads on a yellow square with a weird, bloody red mouth, then…I’ll eat Knockoff.
KNOCKOFF:
MY REPLY IS NO.
PERSONNEL [as if it were uncommon]:
Heh heh! I think I’ll have…a vanilla and chocolate ice cream sandwich!
REMMY:
Knockoff…do you want anything?
KNOCKOFF:
YOU MAY RELY ON IT.
REMMY:
Guess that’s what I get for being a jokester…alright, alright well, I haven’t eaten in like six goddamn days so I’m probably gonna grab anything that has some chemically-synthesized carbs in it along with the sugar rush…oh my god, they have Choco Tacos, jesus–they discontinued those years ago…
KNOCKOFF:
WITHOUT A DOUBT.
SCENE 2: Roadside Ice Cream
[Remmy eating like a savage. Ambience has changed slightly–as if they are sitting on a hill nearby.]
REMMY:
Oh fuck…thank god these Choco Tacos have nuts in them, thank god…
PERSONNEL:
I’m nuts about nuts too! They’re a valuable source of protein! Especially for folks on an alternative diet plan, like you!
REMMY (busy eating):
Yeah, on the [smppt, smppt]...on the “eat nothing” diet plan…
PERSONNEL:
Affordable options allow a wide clientele to find the plan that best suits their needs! For instance: the ice cream sandwich best suits my needs! Because…it’s delicious!
KNOCKOFF:
MY REPLY IS NO.
REMMY:
Seriously. You woofed that thing down in, like. One second.
Hey–you got any of those…those uh, little pre-packaged cones with the nuts on ‘em in there? You know, with the chocolate filling in the bottom.
PERSONNEL:
While our commitment to community members’ allergy and dietary needs prohibits us from carrying or distributing items like the [brand name said slightly robotically] P.Nutty Cone by Hershey’s, I can instead fetch a box of [brand name said slightly robotically] P.Nutty Cone by Hershey’s from the inventory.
REMMY:
I, uh…I’ll take that as a…as a yes, then?
KNOCKOFF::
MOST LIKELY.
[Personnel gets up and fetches the box of Nutty Cones]
REMMY:
Hey…you know some of these flavors they don’t even make any more…right?
PERSONNEL [from inside the truck]:
I am sincerely sorry to hear you are dissatisfied with the accommodation allocations, Mr. Remmy–I’ll be sure to take your feedback to–
REMMY:
No, no…it’s, uh…it’s actually pretty cool. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d kill for a steak right now, but…I can’t remember the last time I've seen a Flintstones push-up pop or an “Itzakadoozie…” It was nice…
PERSONNEL:
My vanilla and chocolate ice cream sandwich was also delicious, filling, and enjoyable! Ice cream: Accomplished. ✅
REMMY:
Do you…did you even need to eat that? Or like…eat…at all?
[Personnel comes back, and places the box of Nutty Cones next to Remmy]
PERSONNEL:
A balanced diet helps organisms maintain equilibrium between interdependent physiological elements.
REMMY:
Come again?
PERSONNEL:
Knowing the pleasures of our services personally allows me to better assess and address the needs of community members like you, Mr. Remmy. So I often subject myself to these experience packages, even when they are challenging. Like the part where the chocolate sandwich bread stuck to the roof of my mouth!
KNOCKOFF:
REPLY HAZY, TRY AGAIN.
REMMY:
Yeah, uh, no, I uh–I don’t think I will…
KNOCKOFF:
OUTLOOK GOOD.
REMMY:
Heh…it’s funny…the last time I ate ice cream on the side of the street like this…things ended kinda bad…honestly, I don’t know if they ever went back to being fully good again, after that…
PERSONNEL:
I’m sorry to hear you had a poor experience elsewhere.
REMMY:
I’m sorry…I don’t even know why I’m telling you this…my brain just kinda snaps to these things lately, and it’s really not your burden to bear. I just…I haven’t…I haven’t talked to anyone in such a long time….who can….who can really talk back.
KNOCKOFF:
IT IS CERTAIN.
REMMY:
I’m sorry buddy…I hope that doesn’t sting, it’s just–
KNOCKOFF:
MY REPLY IS NO.
CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.
PERSONNEL:
Yes–feel free to concentrate and ask me for my assistance again! I am h…happy to help!
REMMY:
Are you sure? I don’t want to be dumping on you…honestly, I can kinda tell you aren’t exactly calling the shots around here like, I uh…kinda thought earlier…none of this is your problem…
PERSONNEL:
Let me….let me…let me help, M-m-m….M-m-mist….Miste—Miste….Remmy.
REMMY:
Okay…
PERSONNEL:
Okay. You….y-ou have my full and undivided attention. Please recount your experiences.
REMMY:
Well, I mean…it was just a summer day in the neighborhood, you know?…we just had a super soaker fight. We were kids…Jenny Watkins and Chris Jankowski were trying to shoot me and Jake while we were re-loading…so we shot ‘em with the hose, and they said that wasn’t allowed…but we didn’t care, so…so we just blasted them, heh heh…
PERSONNEL [less chipper, fascinated]:
How appropriate, Mr. Remmy….
REMMY:
Until…until we heard the bells…it was the ice cream truck…like a miracle…nobody knew where it came from from, or how it knew we’d be having a water war. But there it was…I’ll never I forget.
PERSONNEL:
Good service…let me offer you the same…
REMMY:
I, uh…I actually did have a SpongeBob popsicle. And yeah, it did look like a bar of dial soap with two black olives on it…but it was great. And Jake had…he had one of these…some kind of crumbly, chocolate cake pop…and we ate ‘em sitting on the corner, right by the storm drain and he said…he laid out what he called “a plan.”
PERSONNEL:
Eat…..eat…..eat….it’s my pleasure…
REMMY:
For every summer, he had a plan. This summer was for camping. But next summer, we’d go fishing. Then after that, we’d learn rock climbing. And then kayaking. And then we were just going to play video games all summer…heh, yeah, he, uh…kinda bungled the forward momentum on that one, haha…but the way he said it…it was just, like…Jake was so confident…like it was all going to happen, for real…
PERSONNEL:
For…for…real…for real.
REMMY:
And then…it didn’t. Chris Jankowski, well…he was a dumb kid, he didn’t know what the hell he was talking about…and he said it was all because Jake’s Mom was getting deported and his Dad was gay and going to San Francisco’...but, you know...a few years later I kinda realized that wasn't exactly the most unbiased story about the only kid in the neighborhood whose Mom as an immigrant and his Dad who had a couple of lawn flamingos… and well, you know, about why they might have…moved...right?
But I do wonder if he knew about the move then…I don’t think he did. Why would you make plans for years with someone you knew for a fact you were never going to see again? But then again…how could he not have known. Why…why did he give me false hope I was going to have a best friend for the rest of my life?
PERSONNEL:
[A long, poignant pause.]
Your friend, Jake…
REMMY:
…Yeah?
PERSONNEL:
[another long pause] …[back to her typical tone] You’ll be eligible for special perks if you refer him for community membership!
REMMY:
…Oh…
PERSONNEL:
Wonderful! You’ll both save money and receive wonderful service as community members! What’s not to love?
REMMY:
…Hey…guys…is there…is there someone standing over there?
KNOCKOFF:
AS I SEE IT, YES.
MY SOURCES SAY NO.
REMMY:
What does that mean?
PERSONNEL:
That must be your friend, Jake! Hello, Jake!
REMMY:
I think that’s uh, unlikely…for starters, Jake was just a kid the last time I saw him…
KNOCKOFF:
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD.
REMMY:
But that…
That is him…oh my god…he’s…he’s so much older…look at his jaw…he looks like…like a man…but that’s gotta be him…he’s just…he’s just kicking a stone down the road…I’ve seen him do that so many times before…
PERSONNEL:
What a happy reunion! Invite him to the community, Mr. Remmy! I’ll wait for you here.
REMMY:
…JAKE! Hey. Hey Jake!
KNOCKOFF:
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD.
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD.
REMMY:
I know, I know he’s one of them but they knew things that only the real–the real-real versions of them could’ve known! JAKE! JAKE! HEY MAN, IT’S ME!
[Remmy takes off running after Jake.]
REMMY:
Oh my god, he really gave that thing a kick–how far did it go? Hey, Jake! Wait up man!
KNOCKOFF:
DON’T COUNT ON IT.
REMMY:
I know, I know–if it gets hairy, I promise, I’ll–I’ll run away and just bolt, okay, but I–I’ve gotta talk to him, this might be my only chance…
KNOCKOFF:
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD.
REPLY HAZY, TRY AGAIN.
REMMY:
That’s…that’s not good enough for me right now. Jake! JAKE!
[Remmy turns a corner, then comes to a full stop.]
REMMY:
He’s…he’s gone…where..where did he go?
KNOCKOFF:
CANNOT PREDICT NOW.
REMMY:
But…but Mr. Fitch…and the video game girl…they had things to say to me…they didn’t just…disappear…
KNOCKOFF:
MOST LIKELY.
REMMY:
But…but…I don’t understand…what’s the point of appearing to me like that. Like, like–an adult. When I…never even knew him that way. What’s the point of it if he had nothing to say after all?!
KNOCKOFF:
VERY DOUBTFUL.
REMMY:
Very doubtful of what?
KNOCKOFF:
IT IS CERTAIN.
DON’T COUNT ON IT.
REMMY:
I know…I know it’s all uncertain but…I didn’t just hallucinate it! I didn’t hallucinate Jake being right there more than anyone else in this cursed place! If I hallucinated him, I’m hallucinating me hallucinating him! I could be hallucinating you! I’m hallucinating all of THIS!
[Personnel slowly approaches]
PERSONNEL:
Hallucinations can be a symptom of malnourishment, Mr. Remmy.
REMMY [somewhat defeated]:
What do you want…what do you want from me?
PERSONNEL [ever-so-slightly more serious & menacing]:
Alternate diets are trendy and exciting…but need to be remedied if they leave the body lacking essential proteins and fats…
REMMY:
What…
PERSONNEL:
Eat up, Mr. Remmy…you’re still lacking…proper nutrition…
REMMY:
Did you…really run over here with that whole box full of nutty cones?
KNOCKOFF:
ASK AGAIN LATER.
PERSONNEL:
You said that…that you used to eat them upside-down to get the chocolate part first…didn’t you, Mr. Remmy? Eat…eat…
KNOCKOFF:
OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD.
REMMY:
Personnel...stay where you are…please don’t come near me.
PERSONNEL:
Times of emergency force supervisors into a position where they must sometimes take …extraordinary action to ensure the safety of the community members under their supervision. Performances of the heimlich maneuver, for example…have on certain occasions resulted in legal action detrimental to the employer of the administering agent. And yet… the supervisor is nonetheless not absolved of their responsibility to take action…and act according to their conscience and certified training…
REMMY:
Personnel. Stop. No…I ate enough…
PERSONNEL:
Eat….eat…it’s my–it’s my p-p-leasure…It’s my p-p-pleasure…It’s my pleasure….Eat…Eat…
REMMY:
PERSONNEL, STOP!
PERSONNEL:
Upside-down…fun part first…
REMMY:
Get your–PHHT!-- fingers out of my mouth!
PERSONNEL
Chew. Up. Down. It’s my pleasure.
REMMY:
GET OFF ME! [Remmy shoves Personnel, but she hardly moves. She wrestles him to the ground with minimal effort.]
PERSONNEL:
Hallucinating…. Hallucinating…
REMMY:
How…how are you so strong?
PERSONNEL:
It’s my pleasure. Eat…Cut…Eat…
REMMY:
Please…I’m not….not…
PERSONNEL:
Open…eat…eat…cut…
REMMY:
COLD! Cold…it’s…cold.
PERSONNEL:
Up. Down. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Up. Down. It’s my pleasure. P-pleasure. It’s my pleas–my pleasure.
REMMY (mouth full):
I’m…I’m trying to chew…I’m [eghht!]...trying…
PERSONNEL:
Chew…cut and eat…c-cut and eat.
[Remmy makes chewing, sputtering, and whining noises that grow louder and more intense]
PERSONNEL:
My pleasure…It’s my pleasure….It’s my pleasure…It’s my pleasure….It’s my pleasure…It’s my pleasure….It’s my pleasure…and It’s my pleasure….and it’s my pleasure…AND IT’S MY PLEASURE… AAANDD IIT’S MY PLEASURE!!! AAAANNDDDD….there…all done.
REMMY:
What…what the hell…
PERSONNEL:
Mr. Remmy! You’ve got a bit of ice cream on your face. Aaaaanddd…there. I got it for you!
REMMY:
What the hell…
PERSONNEL:
Don’t worry! I won’t tell anyone you had any ice cream on your face.
REMMY:
I…I want to go…I want to go home…
PERSONNEL:
Speaking of which…it’s about time I report back to HQ! Plenty of community members to attend to…
[She begins to walk away.]
REMMY:
Wait…you were being…you were really serious about there being other community members?
PERSONNEL:
Yes sir! Plenty of other community members…
REMMY:
Wait…Personnel. Personnel, what does that mean! HEY! HEY WAIT! Tell me…tell me I'm not really alone in here! TELL ME I’M NOT REALLY ALONE IN HERE!
PERSONNEL:
You’re never alone on campus–I’ll be happy to assist you shortly!
REMMY:
What–where’d that door come from?! WHERE’D THAT DOOR COME FROM?
PERSONNEL:
Don’t worry! Every time a door closes, another door opens!
REMMY:
Wait! Come back! Wait! WAIT! NO!I have so many questions!
PERSONNEL:
Don’t hesitate to let me know if you have any questions! Bye bye! 👋
[The door slams. Then vanishes.]
REMMY:
Personnel….PERSONNEL! PERSONNEL!
[Remmy begins to cry softly.]
Why…why do I still want to talk to her?
KNOCKOFF:
IT IS DECIDEDLY SO.
END.